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11

The Wachowskis steadfastly refuse to make stale violent power fantasies for teenage boys, which seems to piss everyone off. Here you have a young woman who becomes a heroine not because she picks up a gun or is "as tough as a man", whatever that means, but because she chooses not to have her future determined by class or capital (even if it is space-class and space-capital) or really anyone else but herself, wrapped up in an unapologetically dorky homage to trashy sci-fi paperback covers. It's a dressed-up fairy tale, an intergalactic "Cinderella", except she doesn't win by becoming someone's wife, and if she's ever the damsel in distress it's because she decides not to kill or act selfishly. Plus it has Channing Tatum on rocket skates fighting a lizard man. Not even a hair sillier than GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY or eight installments of Harry Potter bullshit.

31

I don't know what to make of a world that rejects this and adores every Marvel movie. Things don't make sense to me.

17

channing tatum plays a genetically engineered “military wolf” who zooms around in zero gravity roller skates because his wings were cut off (everyone knows wolves have wings). “bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty” is something that sean bean, who is genetically spliced with a bee, has to say with a straight face. the main plot point is that a group of 14000-year-old royal alien siblings are attempting to either marry or murder their 25-year-old human mommy. but the nuttiest part is in the first 20 minutes ... when mila kunis tries to sell her eggs to buy a $4000 telescope on ebay

8

For every element that doesn't really work, there's a scene where, like, Eddie Redmayne screams at his dragon man henchman in a factory inside Jupiter and I can't help but respect that

18

This movie is off-the-wall whackadoodle and unfairly maligned. Is it "good?" Not really. It's a massive cyberpunk hodgepodge of every sci-fi blockbuster of the past few decades wrapped in the skin of the Star Wars prequels. But, does it still fucking rule? Yes! It's a massive cyberpunk hodgepodge of every sci-fi blockbuster of the past few decades wrapped in the skin of the Star Wars prequels! The villains are harvesting human bodies for youth on some Peter Thiel shit! Channing Tatum plays a genetically-engineered military half-wolf! It’s a DeviantArt project come to life!

It's confusing and campy as fuck, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for the Wachowskis for absolutely going for it. No other working filmmakers deserve…

9

my 9 year old kid said this is better than star wars, and who am i to argue with someone smarter, more open minded, and more perceptive than me?

20

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

8

every generation gets the WATERWORLD they deserve.

i had just forgotten the Wachowskis were capable of making anything so soulless. restless imagination without an iota of wit, character, or heart. the action is dreadful, the acting even worse (eddie redmayne goes full Zorg in a performance that will last a lifetime)... spectacular failure > regular failure, to the point that i can't genuinely hate this movie, but it's hard not to think that this is a mortal blow for big budget original sci-fi. woof.

5

A trashy, bizarre, bloated space opera. A pulpy sci-fi novel, complete with lizard men and rocket boots, done with utter conviction in its bleeding heart dorkiness. It's massive, overly-ambitious, totally nonsensical, and infallibly sincere about its insane world-building design and strangely-calibrated performances. Also just genuinely weird and expressive in ways big movies aren't really allowed to be anymore, and thus destined to be made fun of by the most boring people on the planet. We don't deserve the Wachowski sisters.

8

"my mother never cleaned a toilet in her life"
"maybe that was her problem"

rich capitalists want to murder us and bathe in our souls. our greatest weapon is the willingness to sacrifice oneself to protect those weaker than you, and true love!!! plus spaceships!!! imagine thinking this is a bad movie lol

5

eddie redmaynes performance in this is the sleep paralysis monster i see every night at 3am

18

Things I could have done:

-Talk to me mum for two hours.

-Talk to my wife. Granted, she was asleep while I watched this,but it would have been a better one sided conversation than the one I had with Jupiter Ascending.

- Rewatch The Theory of Everything and re-imagine it with Balim Abracadabra (whatever the fuck his name is) as Hawking's evil twin brother.

- Jump up and down for two hours.

- Rewatch Dear John. (yeah, I said it).

- Rewatch Step Up (yeah, I said it).

- Pick my nose for two hours. Actually, scratch that, I did that.

Thing I did:

Watch Jupiter Ascending. The fake Ferrero Rocher of movies.

Hollow, soulless, ugly, The Wachowskis take every single mistake they made in the Matrix sequels and cram them into one film.