When I was a small child, my dad introduced me to the X-Men through a series of different forms of media: several television shows – X-Men: The Animated Series, X-Men: Evolution, and Wolverine and the X-Men – were frequent staples of Saturday mornings with breakfast in my house, trips to the toy store to pick up the characters, the movies that, in my estimation, remain some of the most fascinating and exciting of the genre, and the comics. My dad and I had a difficult relationship growing up because we were so different. But one of the things we could communicate on was with the X-Men. He took me to Barnes and Noble to pick up my own comics, he would show me his old comics from his childhood, he would watch the movies with us on a loop, he would answer our questions about who certain characters were in this huge encyclopedia book he had on the characters. X-Men meant a lot to me and still does: I hold all of the shows close to my heart, all of the comics I still have, and, of course, the movies. Those movies that, in one way or another, changed my life as a child.

I said goodbye to those movies in 2019 with Dark Phoenix, a very misunderstood film (if you ask me). By that point, no one cared about the X-Men franchise because it was a dying breed of films that had been recently swamped up by the corporation of The Mouse. But I cared. And I said my goodbyes and it made me very sad to hear that this series was ending and that Fox itself had been consumed by The Mouse. It was all about The Mouse. The Mouse loves money. And it loves to collect. No one cared about these characters anymore because it didn’t matter: it mattered to me. So, hearing that MCU’s first leap into the X-Men characters was a Deadpool film, it got me curious. But it was the kind of curiosity that killed every damn cat who latched onto it. The MCU can’t possibly ruin the X-Men as badly as I had assumed. And then hearing Wolverine was back and it solidified my assumptions that this was bad. Cash, money, coin, paper, profit – the rinse and repeat beating structure of The Mouse’s philosophy.

People who claim that Deadpool and Wolverine “pays tribute” to the Fox films are completely ludacris. This is a film that pretends to care. It doesn’t care about the past, it doesn’t care about these characters, and it doesn’t care about you.

This is a terrible film, the worst Deadpool film by a large, large margin because the MCU cannot understand Deadpool. The first two works are so fascinating to me because they feel so detached from the grander picture. Deadpool’s sense of character felt more genuine and natural – he is, after all, one of the craziest characters in the comics. Reynolds’ persona is grating beyond belief here because it’s so forced. Deadpool and Wolverine want you to *wink wink* at all the jokes at the expense of Fox and these movies that no one cares about and believe that they’re paying tribute. They are not. This is, SO CLEARLY, a victory lap for The Mouse to praise its own greatness in absorbing another entity in its void, delegating these characters to mere vessels for narrative and not develop them into their own breathing characters. Deadpool is so grating because we get the sense that if we don’t think this film is praising Fox, we are misunderstanding Deadpool as a character. The Mouse sees him as their angsty degenerate figure for Hot Topic/ Gamestop merch, a real middle finger to make us feel aware. Give me a goddamn break.

bUt, We HaVe GaMbIt!!!!!!!!!!! LE EPIC!!!!!
Yes, and they use him as a pure joke. Tatum, obviously, deserved better when he was announced. This isn’t a chance for him to find his place with Gambit. This is him struggling to accept that he is the butt-end of the joke. Blade, Elektra, X-23, Johnny Storm, and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants – they are all cannon fodder in this self-congratulatory piece of shit.

Deadpool and Wolverine is one of the ugliest films I’ve ever seen. How the fuck are you going to claim that this is a tender love letter for a dead franchise when it’s evident in your image that you do not give a single fuck? The CGI is so horrendous (and you know The Mouse rushed this shit before it could’ve been done well), the cinematography is so lifeless (fitting for a film devoid of life), and the action is so bleak and muddled. That’s the power of Shawn Levy Autuerism, baby! The dude seems like such a nice guy, but this is not the film that will convince you that he is a premiere artist, like all the nerds are telling you on Twitter and (probably) Reddit. Epic sauce.

So many jokes flatline. I think I found three jokes that were funny. The rest saw me sink further and further into my seat, hoping I’d combust or disappear. That’s the magic of five, count ‘em, five screenwriters, one of them being possibly the most annoying individual in movies today. The male gaze gotta get another brother to obsess over.

Deplorable film. I’ve said enough. I don’t want The Mouse to hunt me down and say I’m public enemy number one. I don’t want the nerds to hurt me. Man, I was one of you! I still am! These characters helped me bond with my father, for crying out loud. But this isn’t it. In a year that gave us this and X-Men ‘97, you’re going to bat for the wrong fucking media. Peace out gamers, I’m going to touch grass.