i knew that mary was going to absolutely kill it the second she rolled up to barbie’s vaginal surgery wearing heels. 

as always, women in STEM doing the nastiest jobs while still looking cunty representation is appreciated in this household.

the “i’ll find you in any lifetime” trope, but make it a lynchian masterpiece starring two of the most unsettling actors of our time. fucking delicious!

a guy named “slater king” is literally destined to have a lotus flower island where he abuses women, like it might as well be rich people prophecy 101.

ladies, is it gay to fantasize about fatally stabbing your husband (who happens to look an awful lot like nathan fielder) alongside the woman of your nightmares, whom you can draw from memory… she holds your hands like in the pottery scene from ghost as you do it, and then she rips out his heart…? asking for a friend.

if i had a dollar for every time ang lee made me cry utilizing the gut-punching power of yearning, i’d have two dollars. it’s not a lot, but like, what the fuck is your problem, man?

i truly believe cher is a witch because every time she opens her mouth, i become deeply mesmerized. forget stanley tucci, they should’ve cast me to tell her how brilliant she is.

you know a musical rocks when you still the words to every single song, even after the five years between watches (it helps that there’s an incredibly talented cast at its helm… like i still hear whoopi goldberg’s squeaking in my dreams).

some visionary out there pitched “cinderella meets evil dead” and then proceeded to allocate the bulk of the budget to party city costumes soaked in fake blood, accompanied by a single children’s book as the sole source of research.

promising idea to cinematic disaster pipeline is real and it is sturdy.

what were the jeans in this movie made of? divine intervention? were they stitched by angels?

if it toned down the proposed incest and added incredibly annoying talking animals, this could easily be mistaken for a very elevated early 2000s animated barbie movie.

he’s a loser in the beginning AND is still a loser at the end and you chose to RE-MARRY him?? GIRL! he still doesn’t have a car and is in massive amounts of debt???? but hey, at least your random museum in florida has all of spain’s lost treasure!

movie is so right, god is a woman and she created the clicker knock-offs to keep us drug-induced homo sapiens in line. hell yeah!

on another note, those special fx were grotesquely beautiful… but the story lacked substance to a severe degree.