i hope they show this film in acting school or whatever (you’re not allowed to graduate with a degree in tension until you can blink like jake gyllenhaal).

you know how old men always watch late night spaghetti westerns, and therefore, coerce their grandchildren into enduring the same fate? yeah, okay, this is that for me. like, “here’s some popcorn kiddos, mamaw’s going to force ya’ll to watch men continuously suffer at the hands of felonious wlw.”

oh yeah… this one made my tummy fucking hurt.

if i had a dollar for every time ang lee made me cry utilizing the gut-punching power of yearning, i’d have two dollars. it’s not a lot, but like, what the fuck is your problem, man?

if it toned down the proposed incest and added incredibly annoying talking animals, this could easily be mistaken for a very elevated early 2000s animated barbie movie.

what were the jeans in this movie made of? divine intervention? were they stitched by angels?

“there she weaves by night and day, a magic web with colours gay… and moving thro' a mirror clear that hangs before her all the year, shadows of the world appear.” — the lady of shallot, 1842

i fear tennyson may have possessed plante in order to direct this masterpiece… i’m gonna need some time to unpack the literary analysis that i have building up in me rn. brb.

deliriously grand visuals, just wish i had, like, a few more seconds to appreciate anything before we moved on to another song & dance.

gotta be honest, the only thing i’m going to be thinking about as i fall asleep tonight is the way matthew mcconaughey says “bullshit…” as he’s pushing kate hudson against that taxi.

“are you sure you’re not just stuck on thorn, freddy?”

the way fred short-circuited watching the hex girls perform is exactly the same experience i had at 8 years old. never outgrew that crush (thorn, please just give me a chance, please, thorn), but i did evolve. welcome deviously charming author voiced by tim curry and the sassy witch-ghost he summoned in his attempt to rule the world. thy hath unlocked new smash cake characters.

need the henson family to drop the lore for why england has such intense discriminatory practices against muppets. there’s a history there, i know it.

the muppets, ranked ✧･ﾟ

the “i’ll find you in any lifetime” trope, but make it a lynchian masterpiece starring two of the most unsettling actors of our time. fucking delicious!