“get your special sock out, nerds. it’s gonna get good.”

i guess i’m happy for all of the people that know who these characters are and are able to prescribe some sort of meaning or have some level of attachment to them, but as someone who’s been long gone on the mcu for a while now—to the point where even just seeing the opening marvel logo in this immediately made me feel weird, almost off or out of place—you could not pay me to care about literally anything that happened in this movie. the utter definition of slop—put this thing next to a real film like furiosa, dune, or even horizon or bad boys: ride or die, $100+ million dollar movies that look and feel like they cost $100+ million dollars because of the actual craft and skill and effort clearly evident in the filmmaking, the scale of their worlds, and the depth of their characters, not because of actors and their costumes, and this doesn’t even feel like an actual movie. this is just a series of scenes where we, the audience, are told that things are happening and that they are important and mean something, and i don’t think i buy for a second that any of those things are true. nothing has been more detrimental to the idea of superhero movies and Cinematic Universe franchise filmmaking than the Multiverse, in which nobody’s ever actually dead and nothing can be what it was—but don’t worry, guys, deadpool is in on the joke! he knows that he’s desecrating the corpse of logan (and one of the greatest and most poignant superhero movies ever made along with it), which makes it funny and okay! to which i say: no it doesn’t! the first two deadpool movies i think are okay because (at least compared to this) they just chase and bite their tail; this is a full ouroboros, a corporate clusterfuck of Characters You Recognize in a literal void choking to death on its own dick, shamelessly and egregiously flailing through and further demolishing the fourth wall in an attempt to keep attention spans that only makes what’s on the screen even more weightless, meaningless, and really just worthless. this wasn’t entirely unpleasant to watch in the moment—i think the fight scene in the car is pretty fun, and channing tatum innocent—but the taste that this left in my mouth is just so awful and bitter. this movie is going to make a billion dollars and nobody is going to give a single shit about it in twenty years. shawn levy go directly to jail, do not go, do not collect $200. at least i get to see trap tomorrow!

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