‘the mistress of all evil’ is a title every woman should aspire to have

if it toned down the proposed incest and added incredibly annoying talking animals, this could easily be mistaken for a very elevated early 2000s animated barbie movie.

ladies, is it gay to fantasize about fatally stabbing your husband (who happens to look an awful lot like nathan fielder) alongside the woman of your nightmares, whom you can draw from memory… she holds your hands like in the pottery scene from ghost as you do it, and then she rips out his heart…? asking for a friend.

need the henson family to drop the lore for why england has such intense discriminatory practices against muppets. there’s a history there, i know it.

the muppets, ranked ✧･ﾟ

great, now i’m going to have to ask my boyfriend if he’d still love me if i were a hawk and he were a wolf and we had to rely on a dopey loser with a brooklyn accent who somehow escaped a medieval prison to return us to our human forms in order to seek revenge on the extremely corrupt priest that did this to us. thanks a lot, richard donner.

“your touch is worth a hundred thousand deaths” is seared into my fucking temporal lobe, omg???

you know how old men always watch late night spaghetti westerns, and therefore, coerce their grandchildren into enduring the same fate? yeah, okay, this is that for me. like, “here’s some popcorn kiddos, mamaw’s going to force ya’ll to watch men continuously suffer at the hands of felonious wlw.”

what were the jeans in this movie made of? divine intervention? were they stitched by angels?

you know a musical rocks when you still the words to every single song, even after the five years between watches (it helps that there’s an incredibly talented cast at its helm… like i still hear whoopi goldberg’s squeaking in my dreams).

listen, rick o’connell forever has me squealing and kicking my feet… but i’d sacrifice my life for evelyn carnahan (please don’t read from that cursed egyptian book, queen, you’re so sexy aha).

“are you sure you’re not just stuck on thorn, freddy?”

the way fred short-circuited watching the hex girls perform is exactly the same experience i had at 8 years old. never outgrew that crush (thorn, please just give me a chance, please, thorn), but i did evolve. welcome deviously charming author voiced by tim curry and the sassy witch-ghost he summoned in his attempt to rule the world. thy hath unlocked new smash cake characters.

had to discover new ways to self-soothe after watching brendan fraser fight terribly cgi-ed dwayne johnson.