“call me jupe.” uh yeah, that was the final straw. the entire writers’ room needs fired. privileges REVOKED.

some visionary out there pitched “cinderella meets evil dead” and then proceeded to allocate the bulk of the budget to party city costumes soaked in fake blood, accompanied by a single children’s book as the sole source of research.

promising idea to cinematic disaster pipeline is real and it is sturdy.

you know the protagonists SUCK when i start rooting for the cockblocking murderers.

you’d think a slasher where a chainsmoking final girl anakin skywalkers her serial killer ex-boyfriend would be so much more entertaining… alas! not a single golden chainsaw in this whole movie.

do not cite the deep magic (self-important ‘grittiness’ of art) to me, witch (you pretentious asshole). i was there when it was written (on tumblr when i was thirteen).

ya’ll can’t keep getting away with labeling a movie “monster fucking cinema” when he’s a human for 90% of it. why can’t he look like the dragon people from baldur’s gate 3 when he’s chillin’? this guy was just another sarah j. maas (derogatory) character. i’m hurt, guys, i really am.

(although, if i had abs like that, i’d also never wear a shirt and do a dragon hulk-out just to flex them so… i’m considering.)

a guy named “slater king” is literally destined to have a lotus flower island where he abuses women, like it might as well be rich people prophecy 101.

credit where credit is due: heart eyes is incredibly committed to the shtick, and i genuinely appreciate and ire that dedication. however, i’m not as enamored with the protagonists. i could not sit through another ten minutes of their banter… please, movie, let’s see more of those creative (themed) kills instead of having exposition simply tell us they happened. show me the crimes, babe! rip out more hearts, idk!

genuinely devastated that this movie opted for mainly pov shots instead of showcasing elijah wood's piercing blue eyes and incredible talent for playing unhinged characters. an intense performance was sacrificed for unflattering film composition, imo. 

still, he kinda nailed the parts where we did see him. very much serial killer w/ mommy issues.

deliriously grand visuals, just wish i had, like, a few more seconds to appreciate anything before we moved on to another song & dance.

movie is so right, god is a woman and she created the clicker knock-offs to keep us drug-induced homo sapiens in line. hell yeah!

on another note, those special fx were grotesquely beautiful… but the story lacked substance to a severe degree.

ladies, is it gay to fantasize about fatally stabbing your husband (who happens to look an awful lot like nathan fielder) alongside the woman of your nightmares, whom you can draw from memory… she holds your hands like in the pottery scene from ghost as you do it, and then she rips out his heart…? asking for a friend.